Yes, my boyfriend and I broke up yesterday. I am upset about that, but I do know it was the right thing. I wasn’t completely happy and I didn’t think it was fair to him. I mean he was happy, so happy. But I wasn’t. So maybe where I thought that I was thinking of him, I was being a cold-hearted, self-centered bitch. I’m not really sure. I know deep in my heart that we weren’t headed in the same direction. I did what I could not to hurt him, but there is no easy way to break up with a person that’s in love with you. I tried to do what I could not to hurt him, but I was unsuccessful, and I was so focused on trying to make it painless for him, that I have hurt myself. I feel like a little lost child, far from home, and not a soul to help me. I have never felt so homesick in my life. And I don’t know why I’m so homesick, maybe it’s the comfort of my family and best friend that I seek. I want someone to hold me and just tell me that it was the best thing to do. I just have the goddamn need to cry. I hate it. I hate to cry. But I can’t stop it from coming, all the time. I’m always a happy, smiling person, even when I’m hurting inside, but not this time. Why? Why couldn’t this be like every other time, when I’ve been upset? I know I hurt him, and sometimes I just want to text him and be like I’m sorry. But I know that would only make things worse. I honestly wasn’t planning on us breaking up, I just wanted some time when he wasn’t constantly calling or texting me, so I could figure out things for myself. I didn’t want to make a rash decision, I was trying to avoid it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop it. Like a ball rolling down a hill, or once you knock one domino over, they all fall. I tried at first to talk to him about the things that upset me, and that I wasn’t happy like before. But he wouldn’t listen. He heard what I was saying, when I said it, but after that the thought was like another cloud in the sky, it’s there but until rain is coming down, you don’t notice it. Yes, all guys are like this. And I tried talking to him about that too. I always got so tired of repeating myself. I was able to know his work schedule for the whole week, but he couldn’t manage to remember that I was going home for a dentist appointment. I understand everyone has their own things going on, but I told him several times the days before, the night before, the morning of, and then I telling him I’ll leaving to go home and that I wouldn’t answer my phone. He just asks me oh, why are you going home? Then add to my frustration, I talked to him as soon as I left the dentist and he asked what I was up to….at my apartment. This was only one of the things that frustrated me. It was a lot of little things that ultimately got me to the decision that I did. I mean there was an incident that happened about a week ago. And I’d be lying if I said it had nothing to do with that. But after what he said and how he said it. I admit, I was pissed and I could have easily not talked to him again after that. But I didn’t want to break up after that one problem, because that was our first fight. Almost four months into the relationship and that’s when we had our first fight. I didn’t want to end it. I did love him. But over this last week, I really thought about everything, as a whole. The other day as I was not all there, that’s when he decided it would be a good idea to talk about everything. I did not agree that that was the time or place, seeing that I was with a bunch of people, to have that conversation. Then the next day as I’m waiting for Chelzie to get out of class, he brings it up again. Side note, now that I’m saying this, I’ve realized something. He wouldn’t switch his focus from the bad things. But anyway, as I’m waiting for her, he decides this is the time to bring up the whole fight again, and our conversation when I wasn’t one hundred percent. I of course got upset about it. I mean, the whole thing that the fight was about, I was trying to move past it. And it wasn’t even his situation to talk about. But he used it against me. He didn’t mean to, but he did. And even though he saw where I was coming from, and why I was mad, he still stuck by what he did and was trying to get me to understand where he was coming from. I understood the point he was trying to make, but he went about it completely wrong. But since he thought that was a good time to talk about things, I brought up what I wanted to talk about. Everything was going fine, until he was pushing me to say “I love you” again. After the fight I told him that we were starting over with our relationship. And I wasn’t going to say it yet. He felt it and wanted to say it, and that was fine. But he pushed and pushed for me to say it, but I wasn’t going to say it if I didn’t mean it. Things began to head south from there. We talked about things and about how I wasn’t sure about things. We talked about the things that bothered me that he did, because nothing I did bothered him. He had me on this pedestal. I was perfect in his eyes. His first response was to bring up breaking up. Then when I said I didn’t want to break up, he brought up “our future” together. It was from one extreme, to the other. After that conversation with him, I really didn’t feel right. I thought about it, and talked with people. The conclusion, I needed to talk to him about me having a little space to think about things. So I tried that conversation. It didn’t go as I thought it would. He brought up breaking up again. Not me. Him. And where I thought that was us breaking up, he didn’t? I’m not really sure. He tried to call me last night and I just didn’t answer. I couldn’t do it. So as it stands now, I have this horrible feeling of sadness that I can’t shake. As I write this, I know I wasn’t happy. And that kills me more than anything, because he really was a fantastic guy. He was sweet and I was everything to him. But I can only see this as wonderful now that I’ve stepped back from the situation. Like if you stand too close to a fire, you get burnt. But if you stand back, you can enjoy its warmth. He is a great guy, but he just wasn’t the guy for me. I don’t regret anytime that I spent talking, texting, or being with him. Because he really did treat me like a princess. But unfortunately, I’m looking for a king, not a prince. I really hope that one day we could be friends again. I mean if he could do it with his other ex, then why not with me. And unlike her, if he dates another girl, I’m going to be happy for him, not do whatever I could to break them up. I really think that he deserves to be happy, and no matter how much he said that I made him so incredibly happy, he will find the perfect girl for him. I think part of me was just so tired of dealing with his ex. She was a major pain. And at first I was like, I can deal with this, I care about him so much, but everybody gets tired. I just got tired before she did. And you know, sometimes I wonder why she thought she could make him happy. She messaged me on facebook and told me how much she hurt him. Did she think after what she did, everything could just go back to when they were dating? But I guess now that we’re not together, they can. I feel better as I write this, but this sadness will not go away. But I need to look at this as one chapter closing and another one opening. I am opening a chapter on focusing on my schoolwork and getting good grades, and doing the best job I can at Belk. So goodbye sadness, hello success.
